When you’re on a cruise, you’re held captive with people from all over the world. Some don’t speak English. Some may dress in their cultural attire. Some think wearing a Speedo at 450 pounds is acceptable. Some may be offended by the 20-something French woman who’s topless on Deck 10 surrounded by senior-senior-citizens vying for the closest spot next to the defibrillator, just in case.
I heard one woman describe the cruise ship experience as a “moldy pot” of nationalities.
She must be Canadian.
Speaking of Canadians, they get booed every time they try to do a Celine Dion song at Karaoke. There are a lot of Germans on board. You can tell they’re German because they’re the ones who never smile. The Russians must have gotten a great deal on this run, as we ran out of Russian vodka on the second day.
I’ve met some wonderful folks on board. Like the couple from Holland, who sat next to my table-of-one last night celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. I asked them what kept them together for four decades and without missing a beat, she said, “he’s got money.”
But out of all the people you meet on board, there’s always one that you wish would go overboard. For me, that one person is usually the cruise director.
In my world, the perfect cruise director is one who is quiet, low-key, informative yet unobtrusive, and doesn’t have an ego the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass. When I was on Allure of the Seas, I found the cruise director to be none of the above and was probably the kid in school who got the shit beat out of him every day.
The cruise director on this particular cruise has an annoying quirk that got to me after the first hour on board. At the end of each announcement, and there are several a day, he lets out a “woo hoo!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, don’t forget at 5pm today there’s a free cholesterol screening on Deck 10 aft. Woo hoo!”
“Before you go to ashore today, ladies and gentlemen, don’t forget to bring your stateroom key and a form of identification. Woo hoo!”
“Would the lady who just vomited in the potted plant in the atrium, please return to pick up your teeth. Woo hoo!”
In the event of an emergency, I’m wondering if he will alter his tone.
“The captain has ordered all passengers to their muster stations. Please put on warm clothing, grab your life vest, and proceed to your assigned station. Woo hoo!”
I have to give these men and women credit, without them we would never know that Jackpot Bingo is up to $116,000.00 and there’s never been a better time than right now to buy gold by the inch on Deck 3 midship.
After selling Solid Cactus and not sure whether I was going to stay on with the company or not, I interviewed for an assistant cruise director position at one of the “Big Two” in Miami. The Human Resources person readily admitted that I got the interview because she was curious as to why I would want such a job. I fessed up and admitted the only reason I was there was to see how much it paid! I don’t think I would have gotten the gig because I showed up for the interview wearing shorts and flip-flops, but what the hell?
Some day, I’ll tell that story in more detail.
So shortly after Woo Hoo the cruise director announced our arrival in Curacao, I pulled back the curtains and went out on my balcony to see what the world was like around me. My first impression was, “not bad.”
After my Indonesian friend delivered the scrambled eggs and bacon, I decided to break one of my own rules of cruising and actually get off the ship. From afar, Curacao looked like a quaint little town with multi-colored buildings, a shopping area, and a nice resort/casino.
I strolled past the ship, and down the street that leads to a floating bridge that connects the port area to the downtown. Once downtown, shop after shop, organ grinder after organ grinder, pushcart merchant after pushcart merchant lined the streets. An open-air marketplace with fresh fruit and stinky fish covered in flies was available should one want to take back a freshly caught stinky fish covered in flies.
Several crew members told me this was one of their favorite ports of call because there are not one, but two, Kentucky Fried Chicken stores. Not only do the crew members flock for a bucket or two of KFC goodness, but they also get to use the WiFi for free to connect with their family back home. (Apparently, the fried chicken on board sucks as does the WiFi.)
I wandered around town for about an hour, stopping to take pictures and wondering if I should have some KFC or not, but like a kid scared of the boogie man, I’m petrified about eating anything in a location like this fearing I may end up worshipping the porcelain god for the rest of the week.
Once back on the ship, part one of the two-part, “Behind the Scenes Tour” of the ms Zuiderdam was set to begin. Only ten of us got to take part in this special event, for a fee of course. At the beginning of the tour, we were told that shortly after the Costa Concordia accident, ship tours were discontinued. It was after lobbying by the Captains and making some revisions to the tour itself, that within a few months, the tours could resume.
One of the changes that had to be made was in regard to the bridge and engine control room tour. With all signs pointing to the Captain of the Costa Concordia being distracted while on the bridge, tours to this area could only be made when the ship is docked. So up to Deck 8 we went where we spent about 20 minutes on the ship’s bridge learning about how the ship is maneuvered, how routes are plotted, and the advanced technology that is part of the Bridge Management System.
The Captain fielded questions, before posing for a group photo with all of us and then we had to move to our next stop as preparations were underway for our departure from Curacao. The next stop was on A Deck, where we visited the Engine Control Room. It’s here where the ship’s 5 diesel generators and 1 gas turbine engine is monitored 24-7-365. It was a hub of activity as engines were being started in preparation for our departure which was just minutes away.
The Chief Engineer briefed us on what’s under the hood and everything that goes into powering the ship as she moves from port to port, ocean to ocean, and around the world with little to no downtime.
With bow thrusters pushing the Zuiderdam from her berth in Curacao, we bid goodbye as the Queen Emma Bridge swung open to lead the vessel to the open sea.
Nighttime found me in the Pinnacle Grill once again. This time enjoying a whopping 32-ounce porterhouse. While I’ve been very good about what I’ve been eating while onboard, I’m beginning to fear the scale when I step on it Friday to calculate just how much I gained.
Entertainment featured a juggler/comedian – you’re typical cruise ship fare that goes down much easier with a few belts of your favorite booze.
Speaking of booze. The bar staff is very good at pushing “doubles.”
To that, I say, “woo hoo!”
Personal Day-By-Day Zuiderdam Cruise Review:
Photo Tour of the Zuiderdam:
Capturing memories through photography is an integral part of any vacation, and my voyage aboard the Holland America Zuiderdam was no different. Throughout my journey, I snapped countless photos, highlighting various aspects of the ship such as the stunning interior design, the inviting swimming pools, and my own cozy cabin. If you’re interested in viewing these snapshots, you can check out the Zuiderdam Photo Tour or browse the daily cruise review, both accessible through the links provided above.